Qualia

It’s been said that, “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” What ended in order for me to be here today? Have I shed enough insecurities to birth the confidence it took to share this? Have I twisted the doorknob and murdered the mystery behind opportunity’s knock? I’m unsure. However, I’m glad that you’ve came along to read what I have to say. I hope that by the time this ends, a new positive beginning comes to accompany you as well. 

     To post traumatic experiences in order to bond with you is unhealthy when trust hasn’t been established yet. We can be opposites or share similar dark past lives. I wouldn’t know unless we spoke. Let’s start there. The voice that travels from one vocal cord to another’s eardrum, and vice versa. I lost mine at an age earlier than my memory allows me to see. So how did I get here today? A pen that was handed to me from the first teacher that looked beyond my illegible handwriting. She saw the message I bottled up in the silence I drowned in. 

     In middle school insecurities sprout out from the roots of social dynamics. If it wasn’t for the pen My English teacher gave me, I wouldn’t have been able to identify some of them as early as I have. When parents split, friends split, and you do the same with your home, you become sheltered…or closed off. Homelessness and the hands of an abusive stranger has manipulated me into forgetting what my dreams were. With the sharp pains in my chest I thought that I was broken when I was just lost. In order to be found I had to collect the pieces of myself that scattered. The first pieces came in written poems. 

    My poems went from an English teacher’s red blushed cheeks, to praise from the entire school in weeks. My walls began to fall in areas that allowed windows to show the pain I’ve painted. This gave outsiders the opportunity to see who I was. It felt terrifying but liberating at the same time to be seen. Stepping outside of my comfort zone has led me to find more pieces of my identity. My dreams, morals, purpose, and my new home. This also expanded my sight to see others and their stories as well. 

     I see some people never find the first piece of the puzzle behind who they are as an individual. I’ve decided to be the helping hand that I wish I’ve had growing up. I intend on being and creating a safe space for those whose freedom is losing the tug-a-war battle with fear. I hope to provide as much comfort and joy as you’ve given me by being here. Firefly and I appreciate the time you take to read our work. This is the beginning of something new and positive. So, let the old negativity meet its end. 

—-Gotti